I Am Broken

This trip has been incredible. Let me say though that I never could have been prepared for what I have encountered. 

I have been a part if MCBIC Group 1 (Byyyaaaah) and our team has worked with kids every day since our arrival (except for one afternoon with a group of old ladies!). First off, we served at a kid's basic school called Allmen where we tackled, sang, prayed, laughed, and loved on a group of 20+ kids. They broke me. Their eagerness to love on all of us is incredible. We also (as I am certain you are well aware by now) have spent meals, free time, and sleepy time at the salvation school for the blind. 

I have a blind brother so, of course, I love and adore him to pieces and seeing these kids around here just functioning to such a high degree is amazing. Two team members and I had the blessing of sneaking into their graduation and encountered Jesus. Literally. Their choir was at the level of singers who have trained for years! I was just in awe of these men and women of God. Just imagine not being able to see but being able to sing like an angel! Oh! How much God can use that! 

Those are wonderful things... But I also have had many hard days here. My hardest day was at one orphanage called "Sister Nikki's". For those of you who know my family you will understand why I am speaking mostly to my mother right now: I walked right in following our group and I heard a baby crying. I walked in to hear the woman in charge trying to quiet him. I walked right up and asked for him and she handed him right over. She didn't even hesitate. He stopped crying immediately. My heart broke and I cried all afternoon holding this baby. I needed to take this baby home. I just had to.

 I needed to give him all of my love. I fed him, I sang to him. His name was Martino and I sang "aye aye aye aye little baaaaby Martino" and he would rest his four month old head on me and I would tear up again. His little face and laugh were all Jesus. This baby broke me. I have never wished so hard that I could take a baby through customs. Honestly, with all the 200 kids I met I would risk it all to take them home with me! 

Today was also similar. We walked though the Jungle (shanty towns outside of Kingston) in a group and prayed for kids and people and invited them to a VBS (we did a lot of those :) ) and made them all smile. This also broke me. All the orphans through the streets broke me. I say this but words can't express... The sewage in streets, the kids with no clothes, the boys from ages 7-45 who eyed me up and cat called and asked me to be theirs and tried to hold my hand just BROKE ME. I will neve understand why Americans are so selfish to think that we have women's rights issues when here... women are nothing but a piece of meat that can be dumped when wished and prized for her looks. I have never felt suh anger when hearing the statistic that 96 percent of the young girls here are sexually abused before reaching adulthood. 

I heard about how the government issues decrees (one that was decrees a few months ago) for the police to shoot any young man from 12-17. Talk about genocide... I will think twice about complaining about our government and how corrupt we are. 

Americans have so much pride and it sickens me. I have so much pride.  I am learning to destroy me pride and Jesus is destroying my pride. 

I realized how much my identity has been in what I do, what I am doing in my future, how busy I am, etc. an I've taken pride in THAT. But I have learned how, when Jesus strips these all away... I ultamitly an nothing without him. Christ is calling me to be love. I am also a servant to him. I am called as a daughter of God and without his thoughts about my beauty and power I am nothing. These kids have nothing and they survive without love, without a future, without homes, without a life! I am so similar to them and honestly, I will never be able to worship Jesus like they can because I have so much. I need to lay my pride down. If I have everything stripped away... Will I still love Christ? Yes! Yes yes yes. 

I honestly have always had my calling but God doesn't need me to do it. He can use anyone. He can call me to anything and I would love him even more. I have understood that and have come to realize how much I don't understand that at the same time :) 

I am so excited I understand how much more I can serve God when I am at home since I have laid down my pride and my life before Christ. I have a heart for him so I'm having a heart for his people and I'm telling you that I am BROKEN. 

Lord I pray that as all of is teens return home that we are able to live a prideless life and live for you only. Please help us to never forget the horrors we have seen and heard for these hurtig people. Give us your power and make our bodies continuous temples for YOU! Lord give us empty lived that have to be filled with you! Amen  

~Mariana King